Don't mess with the Neiman Marxist

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I have to take things like excel test

So officially today, I've been unemployed for one whole month, and living comfortably the whole time. Strange isn't it? I've never been in this predicament before, and to be honest, I really like it, and to be honest again, I don't want to work full time again until I'm done with school. Crazy. I've never really thought like that before, even when I was 18 and working in a pizza parlor it was mainly full time, and then I'd like get a second or 3rd job. I like to keep busy. And now, I have all this time on my hands. I don't feel so uptight anymore, and I'm losing weight, I looked at my tummy this morning and it was flat. My tummy hasn't been flat in the morning in a very very long time.
Love it.
So I'm gonna be temping until january, to make ends meet and buy christmas presents, and today I have to take an excel test, to prove that I know the program. Fun isn't it? Afterwards I plan to go to Harold Washington and enroll in school. Yes. School. It's been almost 5 years. Insane. I'm still stuck in quite a bit of depression, and it's the first snow today, which almost made me throw up this morning, but if I can just keep going each day, it might all be okay.
I hope so.
Old friends also keep reappearing, like the really good old friends, the ones that have meant the most. I find this all very interesting.
I'm suppossed to meet one for drinks this weekend, as she will be in town, she's a newscaster now. Like she does the evening news! Crazy huh? Our birthdays are 2 days apart, and it has been 10 years since we've seen each other.
Okay. excel test I'm coming.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I don't want to feel no more!

Dear Ida No,
Thank you for making that lyric.

Dear Father,
Fuck you.

This week is so strange. Monday was particularily hard during the day, with all this therapy I'm going through right now, I feel well okay I'm getting through some stuff, and feeling more and I was all emotional on sunday, and while it was hard it was a good thing, then monday hits, and it's like slam against the wall. I find myself hysterically crying on my bed after numerous phone calls from my family, then a knock on my door from my lovely roomate, and after getting over sadness, start feeling the unending anger, and then sniff sniff, I'm numb. I've been numb since, and I'm not sure if it's bothering me, then I was watching 'The View' today and Neil Diamond performed and it touched me in such a way, that I realized I need to start writing music, so I did.

Also, within my numbness on monday I went to an amazing show, saw one of my favorite bands 'USA is a Monster' and talked with the drummer for a good amount of time afterwards at a bonfire on 16th street. It was inspiring, and made me feel good about making music, and reminded me that it's okay for me to completely express myself with it. I can perform yes, but I need to let myself go through writing.
It needs to be done.


Dear Father,

Fuck you. You are a bad father.

Dear Melissa,

Sometimes it's okay to be numb.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'm so hungry

and i look thinner.
This is acceptable.
I'm not depriving myself of anything really, in fact I've been cooking with lots of sweet cream butter, I made a freaking ham with collard greens last night for christs sake. I love to eat, but I guess my body likes to decrease when it doesn't wake up at 7am anymore, and eat snacky bad stuff throughout the day, complete with fatty chinese food and mexican food lunches, or heaven forbid pizza and pasta.

I need a job. I've been officially unemployed for 2 weeks now. The money is going to run out eventually, but my rent is paid, and the goverment pays for my food.
All acceptable.

I keep sending out resumes, and looking at job postings, nothing looks appealing, I'm thinking I might be happiest working shit jobs, I haven't allowed myself to think down that road since I was like 15, and even then I thought, 'what will make me the most money' maybe I should make up for all the shitty jobs I should of had when I was 19-22. I mean I've been working in offices since I was 19 with short stints working in restaurants.
I'm tired of the suit, or business casual really.
I have no clue what I'm going to do, it's kind of cool not knowing. For once, I can relax a little bit. I've been so uptight for so long.
relax melissa relax.