Don't mess with the Neiman Marxist

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

It's all falling apart

Counseling eh?
Is that the solution to everything? Counseling. Am I so unable to fix my own problems, and communicate well with my partner, that I now have to go to outside sources? I've dealt with counseling my whole life, and while sometimes it would be extremely helpful from time to time, I found that I would really learn the most when I'd lose everything in my life and start all over again. So what do I do, when the person I trust the most says to me, that I'm not doing anything in my life really, neglecting to remember that 2 years ago, I was homeless, working in a seedy bar, of low self worth, and well confused as to what to do next next. I refer to it as the worst time in my adult life.
I didn't wallow for long, I got a great new job, worked constantly saved my money, got an apartment, then got an even better job, worked both of them for a few months, then further empowered myself when shit went sour with the better job, got an even better apartment, made new friends, got best job I've had yet, kept it up til now, managed to start paying off debt, start saving my money, have enough to eat, able to help others, do things like fly my best friend into town, because she needed a freaking vacation. Dance in a company, audition for tv shows and broadway plays, start writing heavily again, make the decision to go back to school, get a credit card, finally feel that I've pulled myself together, and he says....
"We're just using our relationship as an excuse to not do anything in our lives"
I felt that everything I had done in the past 2 years meant nothing, that I was just some idiot that sat around with my thumb in my ass all day.
Regardless, it hurt so deep, that I lost my breath for a minute, you put all your trust and love into somebody, and while nobody is perfect, I'm far from it. I felt that, along with a lot of other things that were said, were a stab in the back.
I'm not going to go into everything.
In fact I think we were able to come to some sort of peace.
However, I'm still a little screwed up, and I'm still very hurt, instead of packing my bags and cowering home to my mother, I'm going to try and work things out, 'cause I have such a love in my heart, and I hope he does too.

I need to figure myself out too, I need to have some more confidence in myself, so a counseling I will go.

Let the healing begin.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home