Don't mess with the Neiman Marxist

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

experiment

Dear Blogspt,
are you going to piss me off today?
Quick update.

1. I quit my jobby job at Tripp Lite, and am getting paid to not work til the middle of November

2. I'm back at the karaoke bar

3. I did not have the best time in Wisconsin

4. I applied for a job at the makeup counter at Marshall Fields today, and I'm excited about it.
Seriously.

5. I am wearing 4 inch snakeskin heels

6. My feet surprisingly feel alright I guess

7. I went to the art institute today

8. Unemployment, just might rule a little bit.

9. I smell good.

10. I'm at the library and spent 1 hour practicing piano and singing in the practice room, and one hour on the internet.

11. I'm going to go home now.

So now people, if you want to call me and talk to me about things you can, because they are officially on the internet, please do not call me when you hear things through internerd.
Love,
m

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I don't know about this

my blog is all messed up. I'm going to give it up, if it doesn't start acting right.
I'm very very very annoyed!!!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Alright Blogspot

Why is this not working correctly for me, I'll make a post, and then it just doesn't post on the interweb.
I feel old and immature today.
I'm thinking about how most of my really good friends, or well people that I admire as well, that they've all managed to get thier life together and feel secure with themselves, and they're doing things like get married, buy houses (yes houses) and two of my friends now are going for baby #2, Amy (who is preg-o) and Nate/Laura (who maybe preg-o). I think that's wonderful though, I'm just wondering why it seems to take me so long to get things right. Will I ever be ready for the things that others around me have accomplished? Do I want these things? I don't seem to, I mean I don't act like it.
It's time to do something about that I guess. I mean the party only lasts for so long right? It's okay to stay up til 4 in the morning every once in a while. Maybe I should pick up all those books that fell on my bedroom floor a month or so ago when I drunkenly rammed into my bookshelf.
Maybe I shouldn't get so drunk.
I mean sometimes I feel like this pathetic bloated geezer holding onto whatever is left of 19, completely frying my brain, my liver, my lungs, refusing to fess up that I am not as responsible as I think I am, and well resulting in very little self worth and esteem.
Luckily the world offers lots of change.
Going back to school is step 1.
Actually I think getting those damn books off my floor is step 1
step 2 is probably the dishes, maybe some dusting.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

It's all falling apart

Counseling eh?
Is that the solution to everything? Counseling. Am I so unable to fix my own problems, and communicate well with my partner, that I now have to go to outside sources? I've dealt with counseling my whole life, and while sometimes it would be extremely helpful from time to time, I found that I would really learn the most when I'd lose everything in my life and start all over again. So what do I do, when the person I trust the most says to me, that I'm not doing anything in my life really, neglecting to remember that 2 years ago, I was homeless, working in a seedy bar, of low self worth, and well confused as to what to do next next. I refer to it as the worst time in my adult life.
I didn't wallow for long, I got a great new job, worked constantly saved my money, got an apartment, then got an even better job, worked both of them for a few months, then further empowered myself when shit went sour with the better job, got an even better apartment, made new friends, got best job I've had yet, kept it up til now, managed to start paying off debt, start saving my money, have enough to eat, able to help others, do things like fly my best friend into town, because she needed a freaking vacation. Dance in a company, audition for tv shows and broadway plays, start writing heavily again, make the decision to go back to school, get a credit card, finally feel that I've pulled myself together, and he says....
"We're just using our relationship as an excuse to not do anything in our lives"
WHAT?
I felt that everything I had done in the past 2 years meant nothing, that I was just some idiot that sat around with my thumb in my ass all day.
Regardless, it hurt so deep, that I lost my breath for a minute, you put all your trust and love into somebody, and while nobody is perfect, I'm far from it. I felt that, along with a lot of other things that were said, were a stab in the back.
I'm not going to go into everything.
In fact I think we were able to come to some sort of peace.
However, I'm still a little screwed up, and I'm still very hurt, instead of packing my bags and cowering home to my mother, I'm going to try and work things out, 'cause I have such a love in my heart, and I hope he does too.

I need to figure myself out too, I need to have some more confidence in myself, so a counseling I will go.

Let the healing begin.